
THus is supposed 2  be the note og hthis demo. I don' t know. I hafve to many things to write , but I don't know where to start. It is supposed it will be a thing were I wll write anything concernig the today state, I will let myself (I alrdy did!) fly free but perhaps silly crazy freee, and write without caring of anything (and errors too ;) let's say like a drunken state or something. or the title of this demo and how everything had begun. I write in state of free/or don't caring at all, that's why this text is "whatever" (oti nane) I mean it's 
"xyma" (damn, ic an only thing of greek wordsl) I don't know, perhaps I am pretending I am this way,. and left  my fingers fly in a losen state over the keyvoard. the erros and stuff. I wanted to write something, I can't code this hour, can't pixel, can't do anything, I am sooo tired...

OK. I l try to get in a non crazya state and try to exmplain stuff. I wll give it a try.

I am here in my home alone, it's in a free state for one week, my parentz have travelled to germany, all home is free for me and my brother, few time in front to stay in peace and relax alone(?!) Not exactly relax, but relax mentally or something,. take it eaasy,. it's a bit strange. I need peace, freedom, something,. but I don't know. It's diferrent alone..
But then everything fucked up psychologically or somethig. I wanted to take care of these days, more ease and peace to work well and finish my deadlines, work, code, and silly styff,. this working negtively, making me anxious,. it's a bit strange. It's like I can't go back now. I have taken a road, there are moments where I have to work hard to accomplish the wishes of myself, this way I will be content I think, but it's a contradiction, because alwyas I will cache of things I want to do, I dream,. but I am anxious when to finish, and there are too newbie and too much others will come. It's a tiring nonending thing for me,. I try though to take care of it possitively..

I still talk in cryptic perhaps? The title and analysis of this demo will help. This is even older quickbasic crap code I found in old HD, and I was searching it for fun,. and I thought releasing it as a wild for ReAct2002.

I want to talk better now, no cryptic.. :)

So this demo, when I was even working it in times even before "The Poor Freak" demo of mine! I had named it that time "The Project Infofreak" Why this title? Why "The Poor Freak" after that? And why "Into the Fight?!" my later well known qbasic demo? Talking all about myself, or wanting to connect parts and texts of them with that,. but silly ones.

I am even trying to remember the base, the roots of what started as project infofreak. It's a rare anamnesis of me when I was in school,. ok I didn't knew nothing that time,. but my classmate Zois refered oneday for fun the word "InfoFreak" when I was talking him about computers. I may had known the word Freak, but never compined it before as Info-freak. Then I adopted the term for myself. It was at the end of that,. perhaps a bit late,. some strange reasons played on me that made me thinking that of myself as a wish to become oneday an ubergeek or something! Of course I was totally unaware that time, it's strange for me,. I am still very early newbie, at least so I consider myself in comparison to the state I dreamed. Somehow it arised like this.

I know they sound funny/silly, but I also write all these things in a not caring state,. don't care at all,. just let my mind slip words and fingers play on the keyboard :)

Let's continue. And thus I wanted to make a qbasic megademo for the beginning called The Project Infofreak,. perhaps something like a declaration of the beginning of my big, long ambitious project of becoming a real computer freak as I said! This was it. But I had done only very few of work for it and then my lame computer life didn't leave me finish the demo with pace. And I really wanted to release something fast out there,. as there would be no second day for me or something,. and I wanted that my 1st ever demo will be out before I die. Such a feeling? Ok,. silly,. :P I wanted,. cause nobody had seen anything from me, and I had started coding several old effects. And lame computer life (Thus beeing another term of mine and meaning totally negative conditions against my will to learn more programming and become real comptuer freak (Like parents beeing anxious about me with computers and stuff.. Yeah! I was in a strange state where I had either few computing time, or a computing time under anxiousness, no peace and freedom to code as many hours as I want on the computer! And thus I was even more anxious that I would never become the cool computer freak if they left me so few hours... :P)) I remember.. that's how my really 1st demo, The Poor Freak was released! It was so great when I finally had finished it worked till night and morning (I think it was the first time that I had seen the dawn. Btw,. exactly this day I decided to try to see it twice! Gaining one more point for silly hackertest =)

After that,. ok I evolved. Now I could code effects. Today I am gonna code a 3d engine,. I learn more and still be newbie. It's crazy!
But when I evolved and wanted to work on the unreleased The Project Infofreak,. someone had seen my demo The Poor Freak and wrote me feedback and he wanted that we maek the best qbasic demo! I learned a lot that time, had another cool geek showing me stuff, it was great.. but still anxious. Still fights with parents about computers,. then university, and more....

THen my friend left qbasic. I decided to release a cool qbasic demo. I was working hard and there was a deadline for a compo. I learned more that days. I found myself working too much desperatelly beeing anxious that he wouldn't finish it,. (and my mom understood and left me) and these were strange crazy days! I learned how bad a deadline is,. dissapointment,. the demo beeing not what I was thinking. Days were passing and I was really tired,. anxiousness tired me more. These were another bunch of strange days I will ever remember, were I learned from my bad days, from my misfortunes,. my mistakes,. the flaws on myself. I mean Periods where you have hard times but you are learning and becoming stronger from them! Where you left your oldself and evolve to a better self/spirit. NOW Let's call 'em hard or strange or confused periods. Funny thing now I am thinking it, is that after that old period,. it came another big hard time to follow and complete,. exactly when the hard silly period of qbasic has gone (Ok,. silly,. make so much noise to my spirit just for one silly qbasic demo? People laugh at that but who cares. Hey not silly! It was a good thing for the small quickbasic scene, the feedback were very wow! ;) Exactly there to fill the gap, no time left for me to relax,. but ok it was diferrent, it was not tiring, but strange, silly, sad it also had to do with a girl(!) and some very strange things for me. The story is so crazy for me. And I can't even beleive in what things it left my mind go! Spirit gone to new things, thought of several things diferrent,. in various diferrent things too,. either for several crazy issues, or for myself too. I find crazy and I wouldn't beleive what I am doing after that, if someone would tell me about my future,. in the past. This was very crazy and even taken something like 9 months. But ok,. few months and after time it was the more  important time of it. And I don't know if it has finished at 100%,. but I can consider important parts of this issue of me finished. But I don't regret it. Infact, now I know it,. I would feel that important spirit is lost, if someone erased it from my life. Self played strange games. I am not even sure if I asked for it unintensionally to put more strange hard things in my life. I don't know if I went to far with passion for that,. if I was building half of the thing,. I mean giving more serious/passioned meaning to half of the thing,. if I exagerrated, I feel doubt for myself :(

But anyways,. this is not the matter, just my mind slipped in there (And it always like to html in there through irrelevant stuff, just for remembrance, feelings.. old good strange days of me :)

The Matter. It all started from the title. I will talk more about. I still encounter the thing that I started before. It's now an endless run, a path of no return. But I don't have anything to loose. Talking in real comprehensible words: I made too much unrealistic dreams for myself before years. Now I made more. An imaginery ambitious image of me becoming superrior on various computer subjects,. making some cool legendary demos on my favorite demoscene (Which I learned exactly the time the idea of the Project Infofreak started on myself too! I foound the community to fit in time I needed..) sometimes I have ambitions on noncomputer subjects too. But my main focus computers for sure. Ambition would sound a bad word but who cares. Many of my ambitions hide a personal spirit which I seem to see as good but that is subjective. Several things formed from ideologic things,. ideas of mine, philosophy thoughts I did,. thoughts about life,. analyzing our lameness,. every spiritual thing came from the life I have to bare (In fact I tend to be happy about all these most times,. since they make it fucking interesting,. and my life becomes a challenge,. ok, I find possitive ways to think of all these  ;) NOW All these form perhaps the thing that is called the Personality of me. Here is where we are now. Think about it now.. I can hardly abandon my dreams! My focus! Unrealistic focus perhaps! But I have to cross, I think it deserves it, and I have nothing to loose. Abandon big focuses in life to be a 'normal' beeing? What for? The thought of my perfectionist personality with a wish to create worlds gives me energy and makes me feel strong! It's all strange. I choosed a hard path in generall, I made the fact vital to keep walking,. going back is like death of my personality. I only will feel content with myself if I continue walking it. This is my walk of life! Ok,. perhaps I could just evolve and fit my personality in better ways to reality. Perhaps I could use better spirit to make it easier for myself and still follow my old path which is now standard. Path can go to subpaths too and evolve for my best,. but still without loosing the main focus that gives me meaning.

The problem? In very human logic words,. I somehow have connected one part of my happiness with the future success of mine in the computers. But I want to do it perfectly! Learn everything and do the best,. in various parts of computers. Somehow I stuck hard on this main idea and it's hard to get out (But it deserves to follow I belelive) the problem is I tire too much myself lately with computers. Because there are deadlines, I want to finally start producing my first cool things (Because only lame things have been outed from me as a newbie yet) evolve on these, and others,. beeing anxious of finishing things, demos, works,. coding, webpages, e.t.c.. beeing anxious if something happens in my life and will not accomplish my mission (Which will perhaps take years and in fact I will always want to do new things) Total anxiety. More deadlines,. because as time passes I want to do more stuff,. and still I haven't shown nothing,. and computer are huge infos,. so I want to work more,. I sit too many hours, I tire myself. It is strange. Now, I think that computing has become for me something more than a hobby. A hobby is something that you may do to relax, so that time passes,. or something. A job is a thing that You HAVE to do, deadlines,. obligatory thing from your boss, but you do it to get money. Look at computing for me! Somehow I have put it in the middle of these. Neither a hobby, nor a thing for money! Both because I enjoy coding, computing, demoscene,. but both taking it seriously as I had to finish early, like it was a job! I have made computing a semi-serious/semi-hobby thing! It's all the things that formed my personality,. I may connect my personality with computers and success at computing, becoming well known computer geek or something and more! Do you catch my drift? A thing build from the old times, enlarged with more wishes of myself,. unreleastic. Me wants to do all these, anxiously,. I tire myself. But can't leave them, because I will not be content. Sollution is something like a middle thing, i could better say a contradiction. Both head to my real dreams, personality, big focus.. and do it with a bit more peace, no anxiety,. forget a bit deadlines, e.tc... but still focus, not forget focus!  Organize things in such a way to achieve the contradiction a bit..

The thought of writting such an info file was emerged from the old title of the demo, The Project Infofreak. A thing that started as a big focus of mine, evolved, contained inside my personality, became one thing with me,. hard to forget and leave,. but this thing tiring me in computer..

I know the texts are crazy. I am crazy, I was always strange and get more perhaps! I don't care,. in fact it may be intensional to write in such a crazy way about silly matters which would give a bad idea of me someone would say,. but I realy don't care!

And these days had very much to do with that matter. So I should write now some things like this, now that I am totally tired and still have things to do (My mind tired from anxiety too,. a neverending story of the way of the geek ;P) These days I was alone, good to relax, stay in peace,. alone. But still,. I almost did to make it more anxious. Because I wasthinking a full week, all alone,. ready to work with good mood for my projects on computers! It worked bad.. because whenever such an alone from parents and stuff period comes, I am thinking it seriously to do severalt hing in the period,. and be stressed and tired. I have to do few things (I even get down to ground rather than dreaming,. so I put a bit less things in myself (But sometimes I can't abandon favorite future projects of mine..)) Ok,. I am finding myway. I have more spirit,. learn more and more,. walk more obstacles, carry my cross called life,. learn more from my misfortunes,. keeping analyzing life and everyting aroud me all the time,. it's all good. Don't see the crazy text and be scared of my mental health ;) In fact,. it's strange (Just making myself doubt) sometimes I write big passionate texts,. or things in full writting freedom or something.. I just go and go and go and perhaps I look too silly to the others,. but wh cares..

Ugh.. I am tired. I have to stop this now..
I could tell you more about my life,. but ok,. I am crazy now!

I say to myself. At the beginning "The Project Infofreak". Then "The Poor Freak". Then "Into the fight" (What fight? How did it emerged? Title sounds bad in my hears too ;( But ok,. it was someting about my fight in life,. again with all these anxiousness I analyzed above,. problems and stuff. Unrealistic things. the hard period you know,. it emerged that I am into the fight to get a better life,. smoething like...
Into the Fight.. and the question is. What comes next???
Demos with my life again? Ok,. perhaps irrelevant. I will write articles for that after..
Let's concentrate now with a better spirit and stay cool. In fact I seem to be a Capricorn self..
Wants to climb mountains to stay there as monument of big achievement,. doesn't stop until he/she succeed in the final focus! Nothing can stop these people.
I was thinking. If just this wish wasn't there, I would be diferrent. If the big old virtual image of a future self full of achievements in computing, e.t.c.. and more,. didn't exist,. then I wouldn't go far,. and I wouldn't care. Perhaps I would computer but just for fun entirelly! Because no big focus would make me work in the hardest conditions,. even if my second self says to stop because it's Too much!  It's my big will to become superrior at computing.. strange thing that started when I wasn't aware,. but nowit's there, I have to follow, or loose my energy,. the thing that drives me walking on to achieve my focus!

What comes next? I am even wondering.. may I go with good spirit,. parts of my personality speak a truth to mysoul. I should follow these and learn more. It may tire me,. but I don't regret it. It may hurt me! I beleive and hope I am too strong,. Capricorn self.. I will never stop till I will do my wishes reality to be happy with myself!


I think I will live you. Is it an nfo file for a demo or a strange thing this?

A crappy prod of old code,. but made me write randomt hings again ;)


Cu

Michael Kargas aka Optimus/Dirty Minds/Nasty Bugs
mkarhas@hotmail.com
http://users.auth.gr/mkargas


Quest for Freedom
